The Operating Room

Connecting the pieces of the puzzle

I have a lot to celebrate for my upcoming birthday, and not just the highlights—but the darker times as well. Those moments the walls caved, and trying to rebuild those walls. Simply because there has been real love and growth in the pain. I've been stuck home for what feels like forever. Over the years, I have made my house a home, aesthetically. In this season, God has made my home a reception space of Wisdom and Peace, prophetically. (Heb 3:4, Is 32:18, Ps 91:1-2)

I fondly refer to my home as the "Operating Room” because of all the work God has been doing to get me healthy again. The past year has taken a toll on me, and to be honest, I am pretty beat up. The O.R. is where I fight my battles—on many days it feels like my condition is winning. So many doctors appointments, 3 months of synthetic hormones, 12 weeks of infusions, 3 ER visits,1 ambulance ride, 2 days in the hospital, and 2 blood transfusions. We're really #$%# tired of it. (Luke 8:43)

The O.R. is my safe space. It's where I nurture the things I love, chase after the Kingdom, and allow myself creative freedom. It’s my family and it’s my solitude. I have found strength and resilience—one bead at a time, one page at a time. When I'm down for the count, I find comfort with my bible and my journal. I try to remain diligent, but sometimes anxiety weighs down my heart. To quell the panic and uncertainties, I turn to the God of Peace for encouragement.

(Proverbs 12:24-25)

I ask God every day why I've had to endure this season of suffering. I know He wants me to trust the work He is doing to rebuild my foundation and restore my walls. Honestly, I don't always understand what God is doing. But I know that through these trials, His hand is upon me. Through all of this pain and discomfort, God is operating on my temple—restoring my mind, body, and spirit. He is calling me to rededicate my whole self. In the O.R., I find the God of the Temple. (Pr 3:5; Ezra 7:6; 1 The 5:23-24)

While I'm healing, I know that God is faithfully working behind the scenes. His healing hand writes messages on my heart and soul. One day I was beading, carefully selecting each bead to create the pattern I wanted. I have jars filled with beads, and I rely on the Spirit for inspiration. The same Spirit reminded me that God does the same for us. We are a Spirit inspired creation, and each part of our life has been carefully selected. We just need to trust the God of Wisdom.

(Colossians 1:17)

My family and I have privately managed the best we can. Sometimes the mental anguish makes it difficult to get up. Sometimes I feel like they hate me; Sometimes I hate me. Most often, I feel guilty for being on the receiving end of so much compassion. I don't want to be needy—I want to return to self-reliance. It's so incredibly frustrating. With the measure of faith my Lord has given me, I reach out to the hem of His cloak, where I find the God of Power. (Lk 8:43-48)

I've had a lot of internal work to do. There are people I still need to forgive and people I pray will forgive me—relationships that didn’t weather the storms. I call those few who have held on to me despite every gust of my anxious words, every torrent of tears brought on by frustration...those who’ve loved me at my worst. When I put up walls, they let me know they would be on the other side when those walls came down. In the Operating Room I find the God of the Walls.

(Eph 4:32; 1 Pet 3:8; Nehemiah 4:17)

All along God has been putting together the puzzle pieces to form a clearer picture of who He is, and who I am in Him. His perfect timing appointed every step and anointed every activity with creative ingenuity. Everything all carefully orchestrated to open my heart and restore my life. All the suffering, woven together to cover me with love. Every whisper from the Helper, every revelation from the Word, all for my good. All strung together by the God of Glory. (Isaiah 57:18-19; Ps 29:3)

Thank God, in ten days I will literally be in an operating room having surgery. Very soon I will be recovering in my safe space while Yeshua prepares me for a new season. Reflecting back, I see how fear and anxiety tried to tear me down. I could have given up so many times.

OR, I could surrender to the God of Peace to restore my Temple through His Wisdom, by His Power, breaking down my Walls, so that I can live for His Glory. In the Operating Room, I chose the God of OR.

Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! (Psalm 66:20)

Peace,

kt